Oregon Media Insiders

Greetings, beloved readers! We are evolving to meet your needs better. We know that you know that we do everything better than lesser publications in our market, so trust us on this.

First, because we recognize that you don't have time or inclination to get ink on your fingers or carry cumbersome sheafs of paper, we have developed a new distribution platform that is sustainable, instantaneous and totally cosmic. It represents a sharp break with old-fashioned, conventional "newspapering," with its outdated reliance on "grammar" and "words."

Today we are unveiling the Portland Tribune Mind-Meld model, in which great thoughts of Tribune workers are conveyed directly into your brain in the form of inspirational thoughts, pleasure response impulses and soothing colors. This will dramatically enhance your experience with the "newspaper" and increase your understanding of the world in which you live.

As we embark on this bold, 22nd-century enterprise, we will make some modest changes, which will be undetectable to you, we are certain. We will streamline our employment posture, dispense with such wasteful assets as printing presses and pencils, and stop reimbursing employees for mileage, which only encourages abuse.

We trust you will continue to be enlightened and entertained by this venture, and that you will be as engaged as we are by the sounds of our own voices. All three of them.

Onward!

-Steve